This is a customer service announcement

Dear Mr and Mrs Customer,

I'm here to help you.

Yes, I'll give you a minute to let that settle in; I understand that it might be a shock. In fact, I'll repeat it, just to let you get the hang of it. I am here to help you. It's what I'm paid for. If I don't help you, then I don't get paid. Or, at least, I get yelled at by my managers, but it'll end up with me not getting paid if I keep it up for long enough. Helping you is the reason that the company pays me to be here, dressed in this silly uniform.

One of the other characteristics of my being in this job is that I know a lot about technology, especially computers. In fact, I don't think it's unfair to say that I know more than you about it. I wouldn't even think it was unfair to say that I know more than your son/neighbour/friend about it, despite the fact that they're  "a real whizz" with computers. I've worked in this store for the past three and a half years, I'm an exceptionally good study and I'm here five days a week, which gives me an excellent handle on our current range, the latest technologies and what good deals and options there are right now.

I can understand your confusion; you've possibly come across people before who do the same job as me, yet aren't as good at it. I can help you with that though - My name's Peter. We've never met before. I know, I know, I'm wearing the same outfit as that other guy you spoke to two years ago in our Camden store. It's embarrassing; I own all these clothes and yet I still keep coming in wearing the same outfit as everyone else. What can I say? Nevertheless, despite our similar taste in clothing, I'm not the same person as the guy you spoke to. I am in fact, a completely different human being.

Sorry, sorry; I keep throwing in new and alien concepts in here, without a whit of explanation. I'll backtrack slightly. Recent research in the field has shown that, despite me working as a retail salesman and wearing a uniform, I am in fact a human being.

I know; I was surprised too! The upshot of the discovery is that the same standards of etiquette and politeness now apply when you're talking to me, as would apply if you were talking to any other human being. That's why I chased you down earlier. Do you remember when you came in and I said, "Hello," and you ignored me completely and so I said, "Hello sir," again, slightly louder, and you still ignored me and so then I followed you around the store saying, "Hello," in progressively louder tones until you chose to respond to me? That was why that happened. I understand where the confusion arose though; it's not usual to have to respond to a polite greeting if you're not dealing with a peer of yours.

Anyway, that's something of a tangent. Back to the main points: I am here to help you and I know a lot more about computers than you do. Given that you are visiting our store to look at the computer section, one would naturally assume that the consequence of these two facts would be for me to assist you with your perusal of our range. This is why I offered. I'm very sorry if I got my words mixed up and accidentally asked if I could fuck your wife up the arse. It sounded like I said, "Are you okay having a look on your own?" but from your reaction it's possible I could've got my words mixed up.

My worry that I had misspoken was enhanced by the fact that you intially responded with, "No," which suggested that you did want help, but followed it with, "We're just browsing," which suggested that you didn't. I should have realised quicker that it was unreasonable to expect you to answer the question that I asked, rather than the question you expected me to ask, as we've established that you're not up to date with the latest research and thus aren't aware that I'm a real human being and thus it's polite to listen when I speak to you. In the future, I will make sure to be more tolerant and ask the questions that you expect me to, so that your answers will be appropriate, rather continuing my current tactic of aggressively insisting on linear conversation.

I believe my line should've been, "May I sell you something inappropriate for commission?" That's a tricky one, as I don't work on commission. I know it's incredible to think that you might not know something or that you might be mistaken, but I can assure you that it's true. If you like, I'll get my payslip. If I can ask one favour; if you do deign to allow me to offer advice and I happen to mention that I don't work on commission and thus am completely impartial as to which product you buy, I would appreciate it if you would keep your disbelief quiet and attempt not to say or imply that I am flat out lying to you. I am terribly irrational about such things and, whilst I am usually professional enough to keep myself impassive, such imprecations make me most upset and I sometimes become quite unreasonably sharp in response. Please, if you could indulge me in this foible, it would be most appreciated.

If you do not require my help, then I am happy to leave you to browse in your own time, confident that you are an expert who has done extensive research on the latest technology and latest model releases. I shall go to find other things to do, happy in the knowledge that you are secure enough to call upon me at any time, should it occur that your knowledge is not as broad as you had thought or if you discover that technology has moved on since you last bought a laptop and you are not conversant with its latest movements.

However, it is not impossible that my duties may lead to me merchandising an area of the shop within earshot of your conversation with your wife/husband/children/concubine. If this is the case, may I ask that you don't repeatedly and openly admit ignorance when asked, "What does the gigabytes mean?" or "Why is that one more expensive?" It implies that, instead of ineffably choosing not to speak from your store of wisdom, you actually don't have all the answers, as you once implied.

Worse still is when you answer incorrectly and respond that you do not think that the 3GB of 'memory' is good enough to store photos or that one laptop is faster than the other because it has a bigger hard drive. Oh me! I know deep in my heart that you are only testing my faith, but to a poor sales assistant it could be construed that you don't know what you're talking about. That maybe you don't have all the answers and never did!

Oh! Such blasphemy makes me nauseous. Yet what other conclusion can I draw when you plump for a Celeron Dual Core because it has a 2.40Ghz clock speed and know that dual core is good and scorn the Core i3 because it has a meagre 2.13Ghz? I can only beg that you do not push my faith too far; I want to believe in your omniscience, I do. There can be no other reason for your bombastic attitude, your dismissal of the risible suggestion that I might be able to help you, your assurance that you know what you're doing, that you are above any assistance I could hope to offer.

I know that I am not worthy to question your will. I, a humble and lowly menial worker, in a uniform, versus your shining example of worthiness. With your very fine hat. But please, I beg of you, I implore, please, please...


Don't act like a twat. Cause otherwise someone might be miffed enough to let you walk out the store with what what you thought you wanted, simply because it'll be easier on him not to argue and it'll be hugely satisfying to picture you wrestling with your shit computer a year down the line. And he might, just might, mock you and your ilk at a later date in his blog

Dedicated to the special brand of customers who have entertained me in various ways across the last three and a half years.

PJW


ETA. And hello to Jenny, if this is the first post you read.